When families face divorce or custody issues, children often pick up on far more than adults realize. Even if parents try to shield them from the legal process, kids can sense the tension, overhear conversations, or witness sudden changes in daily life. How you talk to your child about these changes—especially when court is involved—can shape their emotional response for years to come.
In Florida, courts strongly emphasize keeping children out of the middle of family law disputes. According to Florida Statute §61.13, decisions about parental responsibility and time-sharing must prioritize the “best interest of the child.” Part of that includes protecting them from adult-level conflict and inappropriate exposure to legal matters. But this doesn’t mean children should be left in the dark. Age-appropriate, supportive conversations can give your child the reassurance and emotional tools they need to adjust.
What to Say: Honesty, Reassurance, and Emotional Support
Helping children understand what’s happening during a divorce or custody case is one of the hardest parts of co-parenting, especially when emotions are high or court orders feel confusing. But honest, age-appropriate conversations are crucial to a child’s emotional safety. Children often blame themselves for family conflict or changes they don’t fully understand. Left unsupported, they may experience anxiety, behavior changes, or emotional withdrawal.
The best place to start is with reassurance. Most children, especially younger ones, worry that the divorce or court case is their fault. According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, children commonly internalize blame when families break apart. One of the most important messages you can offer is: “This is not your fault.”
Start with Simple, Honest Language
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), honesty with children—tailored to their developmental level—is one of the most effective ways to reduce emotional harm during divorce. Children don’t need the full details of legal battles, but they do need clear explanations of what’s changing, what’s staying the same, and most importantly, what’s not their fault.
Age-Appropriate Explanations: What to Say and When
Children need information that fits their developmental stage. A preschooler will need very different explanations than a 12-year-old. Below are common ways to frame difficult conversations, using language experts recommend.
For children under 6
Keep it simple, avoid blame, and focus on safety and love.
Example statement: “Mom and Dad are going to live in different homes, but we both still love you very much. That will never change.”
Younger children may worry that the separation is their fault. They also tend to ask the same questions repeatedly, needing reassurance that their routines won’t disappear.
For children 6–9
Kids at this age begin to understand emotions and may ask more complex questions.
Example statement: “You’ll still go to school and see your friends. Sometimes you’ll stay with Mom, and other times with Dad. We’ll help you know what to expect.”
You can use tools like visual calendars and parenting plan schedules to help them understand transitions. Consistency and reminders help reduce anxiety.
For children 10–13
Older kids may be more aware of the reasons behind a divorce or custody shift. They might express anger, take sides, or feel the need to protect one parent.
Example statement: “We’re not together anymore, but we’re still your parents. You can love both of us, and you don’t need to fix anything.”
Children in this age range benefit from being heard. Ask open-ended questions and validate their feelings without dragging them into adult issues.
For teens
Teenagers often want more independence and might resist changes they see as unfair or disruptive.
Example statement: “We want to keep you in the loop and hear how you’re feeling. The court has a plan for how time is shared, but we still want your voice to be part of it.”
Florida law allows a judge to consider a child’s preference if the child is of sufficient age and maturity, though there is no specific age at which their wishes automatically control the outcome (Florida Statute §61.13).
Even if the relationship between co-parents is strained, children benefit from knowing that the adults are working (or trying to work) toward a solution. When possible, keep explanations neutral and free from blame. Instead of saying, “Your dad won’t let me see you,” try: “Right now, the court is helping us figure out when I can spend time with you. I’m working on it because I love you.”
What to Avoid: Legal Jargon, Conflict, and Inappropriate Information
Florida courts discourage any behavior that pulls children into adult legal matters. That includes involving them in decision-making beyond their developmental level, coaching them for court, or making them feel responsible for the outcome.
The Florida Bar’s Family Law Section emphasizes that parents should not:
- Share court documents or legal updates with children.
- Encourage children to “choose” one parent over the other.
- Use children as messengers or go-betweens.
- Talk negatively about the other parent.
- Discuss financial details like child support or who pays what.
These behaviors can be emotionally harmful and may even affect how a judge views your parenting. According to the National Center for State Courts, courts are more likely to award shared parental responsibility to parents who promote positive relationships between the child and the other parent.
Helping your child understand divorce or a custody arrangement can feel overwhelming. Florida law emphasizes the “best interest of the child” when determining time-sharing and parental responsibilities, but legal definitions don’t help a 5-year-old understand why their world is changing. Children often process these changes differently depending on their age, emotional development, and the way adults around them respond.
Talking to your child in a calm, age-appropriate way can make a significant difference in how they adjust. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA) agree that consistent communication, predictability, and emotional reassurance are critical to supporting a child through family transitions (AAP, APA).
What to Avoid Saying
Parents sometimes unintentionally put children in the middle. According to the Florida Courts’ guide to parenting plans, harmful communication includes:
- Making children feel responsible for keeping secrets
- Asking them to relay messages between parents
- Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child
(Florida Supreme Court Approved Family Law Form 12.995(a))
Even in high-conflict situations, the way you speak about the other parent shapes how your child experiences their own identity and emotional safety.
Don’t Involve Children in Adult Conflicts
Florida law, particularly in its Parenting Plan requirements under Florida Statutes §61.13, emphasizes shielding children from litigation and co-parenting conflict. Children should never be used to deliver messages, spy on the other parent, or choose sides.
The Florida Supreme Court’s Model Parenting Plan Guidelines state that both parents should “encourage the child to have a positive relationship with the other parent” and avoid saying negative things about each other in front of the child.
In practice, this means:
- Never pressure your child to choose between parents.
- Avoid discussing court dates or legal strategies with your child.
- Don’t speak poorly about the other parent, even if you’re frustrated.
- Avoid discussing court dates or legal strategies with your child.
If you or your child need professional help, contact a licensed child therapist or visit the Florida Department of Children and Families Mental Health Services for affordable options. For legal questions about parenting plans, seek guidance through Florida Legal Aid or your local court’s self-help center.
What the Law Says About Involving Children
Florida law allows a judge to consider a child’s preference if the child is mature enough to express one, but this is not the same as letting the child decide. According to Florida Statute §61.13(3)(i), the court may consider the child’s wishes, but only “if the court deems the child to be of sufficient intelligence, understanding, and experience.”
Children are not required to testify, and most judges strongly prefer that they do not. In rare cases where a child’s perspective is relevant, a judge may appoint a guardian ad litem or interview the child privately (“in camera”).
Bottom line: The legal process is for adults. Parents should avoid discussing court strategies, filings, or what one parent “wants” in front of the child.
Tools and Resources That Help
The Florida Courts provide downloadable parenting plan templates that outline how parents will handle communication, holidays, decision-making, and transitions between households. Reviewing these with your child (in simplified terms) can reduce confusion.
You can also explore child-centered mental health tools recommended by organizations like KidsHealth or the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN).
Books, therapy, school counselors, and divorce support groups are all valid ways to build emotional resilience for your child.
Supporting Emotional Health After the Talk
Your work doesn’t end after the first conversation. Children may go through cycles of sadness, anger, or confusion long after custody is settled. According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, signs of stress may include:
- Sleep problems or nightmares
- Declining school performance
- Changes in eating or behavior
- Withdrawal or acting out
Understand Your Child’s Emotional Needs
Children process family changes differently depending on their age, personality, and emotional maturity. According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN), some common reactions to separation or custody changes include:
- Toddlers and preschoolers: sleep disturbances, clinging behavior, tantrums
- School-aged children: anxiety, concentration issues, blaming themselves
- Adolescents: anger, withdrawal, acting out, depression
Children may grieve the loss of “how things used to be” or struggle with divided loyalties. A child might feel guilty for missing the non-custodial parent or worry about who will attend their birthday. Florida courts encourage both parents to help maintain consistency and reassure children of their ongoing love and support.
Real-Life Tools and Resources
Parents don’t have to navigate these conversations alone. Several court-approved and child-focused resources offer guidance:
- The Florida Courts Parenting Plan Resources (flcourts.gov) include communication goals, suggested time-sharing plans, and parental responsibilities.
- Sesame Street in Communities offers videos, printable tools, and language tips for explaining family changes to young children (sesamestreetincommunities.org).
- KidsHealth.org: How to Talk to Your Child About Divorce is a well-respected guide backed by pediatric health professionals:
KidsHealth Divorce Support - Co-Parenting Apps and Communication Tools such as OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents can reduce the need for direct conflict and help parents keep records of messages.
- Rainbows for All Children provides support groups and grief-processing tools specifically for kids navigating divorce or custody changes (rainbows.org).
- Child Mind Institute has free articles on how to explain separation, recognize signs of emotional stress, and seek support if needed (childmind.org).
Supporting Mental Health Along the Way
Children may not always talk about their feelings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Look for signs of anxiety, depression, sleep changes, or school issues. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, transitions like divorce can trigger emotional symptoms that benefit from early support.
If your child shows signs of distress, consider working with a licensed child therapist. In many Florida counties, nonprofit agencies like Children’s Home Society of Florida offer affordable family therapy services. Schools may also provide referrals for free or low-cost counseling.
Let your child know it’s okay to ask for help. Encourage journaling, art, physical activity, and regular one-on-one time with each parent to foster emotional resilience.
Final Thoughts
Talking to children about family court isn’t easy—but done well, it can make all the difference. Children don’t need legal details. They need honesty, consistency, and love. Florida law supports protecting children from adult conflict while encouraging strong, stable relationships with both parents. With the right words and support systems, you can help your child feel secure—even in the middle of big family changes.
You don’t have to have all the answers. What matters most is that your child knows they are safe, loved, and not to blame for any of the changes happening. “Children feel more secure when parents remain steady—even if life feels uncertain,” says Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and parenting expert at Aha! Parenting.
Even if you’re struggling through your own pain, make time to check in with your child:
Example statement: “How are you feeling about the changes lately?”
Example statement: “Is there anything you’re wondering about or want to talk about?”
Give your child space to express emotions—even anger or sadness—and remind them they don’t have to protect your feelings. You’re the adult, and you’re here for them.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not legal advice. All legal references are based on current Florida law and verified child development resources. Every family’s circumstances are different. If you need personalized help, contact a licensed Florida family law attorney or local legal aid office. For court-approved forms or procedures, visit the Florida Courts Family Law Self-Help Center. For emotional or developmental guidance, consult a licensed child therapist or pediatric mental health provider, or reach out to community-based services such as those listed at NAMI Florida.
